Like a Child

Let's be honest here- sometimes life gets a little rough. And that often times feels a whole lot more than just a little rough, or even a whole lot more frequent than sometimes. (at least it's that way for me most of the time. =D)

So, for those who know me probably know of my frequent struggles with depression. One of the more recent times it flared up taught me something rather interesting:
Upon leaving home to the beautiful state of North Carolina, I was filled with what we missionaries often refer to as "greenie fire," which often consists of a fire or zeal for missionary work that usually doesn't end up going anywhere because we have no clue what we are doing. (Or for those of you who are scouters and have been through woodbadge, greenie fire is akin to the "forming" stage of skill development. More on that later.) That fire soon faded and threatened to extinguish me a few months in when my excitement was replaced by Depression. Instead of a smile, I had a frown. Instead of happiness I felt despair.
This left me feeling very confused. How was I supposed to help teach the people I met about the happiness and peace that the gospel brings when I, myself was miserable? I knew that being on a mission was where the Lord wanted me, and every time I prayed to know if I should quit and go home I received a very clear and concise, "No, stay right where you are." If that was truly the case, my thoughts then went along the lines of, "shouldn't I be able to feel the support of my Father since I am doing his will to the best I can? Why then, don't I??" I knew that something had to change if I was to endure. That change was me. I had to change.

(Now here I will jump into a fairly long parenthetical. Stay with me: Often times, if you talk to missionaries about their missions, you will see the parallels they make between their missions and their lives here on earth. Missionaries call their first assigned area their birthplace, and their first companion (their trainer) their "Father" or "Mother," and when they finish their missions and go home, they "die." This blog post will be no different, I will apologize. (You have made it this far into the post, so why not just finish strong, anyway?) )

At that point I just described I was fairly new to missionary life, almost like a toddler trying to walk. The excitement of being "alive" had worn off, it wasn't anything like I had expected, and I was not happy about it.
How many times do we enter into something and are not happy when we find that it isn't all sunshine and flowers? I would venture to say quite a few. And that with good reason. Every time we run into something hard, we become bigger and better. Every mountain we climb gives us a better and more breathtaking view of the world around us.

One of my favorite poems reads,

"Yes, my fretting,

Frowning child,

I could cross

The room to you

More easily.

But I’ve already

Learned to walk,

So I make you

Come to me.

Let go now

There!

You see?

Oh, remember

This simple lesson,

Child,

And when

In later years

You cry out

With tight fists

And tears

“Oh, help me,

God—please.”

Just listen

And you’ll hear

A silent voice:

“I would, child,

I would.

But it’s you,

Not I,

Who needs to try

Godhood.”"

So, when you get down and times get rough, know that it is not God being angry with us. It is God loving us enough and trusting us enough to give us a task (that very well may take every ounce of effort you have, leaving nothing.) knowing that afterward you will be more and more ready to receive the ultimate gift he has waiting for all of us if we but follow his path- everything he has.