Depression and Suicide- Finding Happiness in Despair

There have been a lot of recent posts and articles about Depression and suicide as of late, and yes this will be another one on that topic, but I hope that as I share my experiences with Depression this post will not become another one of "those posts."

There has also been much controversy over how selfish the act of suicide actually is, and while I will touch on this subject throughout our short journey together, my purpose is not to convince or persuade you to one side or the other, but to increase and broaden our understanding on the subject matter based upon what I have seen in my short 21 years on this planet and I do hope that you will share your experiences with us below.

First off, lets talk a little bit about what depression is like:
Everyone has their ups and downs. It's a part of life. When you crash on your bike, it hurts either your body, your pride, or both. When you score poorly on an exam or find out that your efforts are no longer needed at your job you will feel depressed and you have a right to feel that way. We have been given emotions to drive us to reach ever higher than we thought we could, and to make life enjoyable. Emotion is what makes us human, and that ability to feel emotion properly is what is missing in the case of the depressed person. They don't feel sad just when they crash their bike. They rarely stop feeling sad and worthless.

For me, I was 15 almost 16 when we first noticed that all the ducks in my mind weren't in a row. They weren't even in a circle, a zig zag, or even a blob. My family has a history of depression, so it really was a matter of when rather than if I would be afflicted with it as well. It started off with what felt like a bad case of perfectionism, that made me feel like nothing I did was good enough, which then extended to thoughts that I was not good enough. I had been raised to just push through the tough times and to not stop or give up, and so my first attempts to conquer those feelings was to just square my shoulders a little and will the problem away. Suffice it to say that that didn't do much. It really just made me exhausted as my resources diminished without really going anywhere, and as my resources diminished, so also did my hopes that I really could get out and get better.
Once my hopes were down it wasn't too hard for my confidence and self worth to follow and self loathing to set in. I went through several counselors and psychiatrists over the following years. Some helped, and some didn't. That was ok. There were times that I felt somewhat "less bad," but overall everything was either flat and emotionless, or frankly rather terrible. I felt abandoned, yet I was surrounded by supporting friends and family. I felt useless, yet I had accomplished much. My ability to think logically had disappeared. I had come to the conclusion that my friends and family would be happier, the world would be a better place without me, and that I would be doing them all a great service by ending my life.

Now pause there for a second. You may ask, "Wait, I know you- you are one of the happiest people I know! How could you be depressed??" That is the response that I received most often upon confiding my mental health difficulties to those I considered close. The short answer is this: Depressed people are very good at wearing masks to hide the pain on the inside. Usually because most of us are ashamed, or at least not proud of our inability to perform and to feel like everyone else. So that brings up a question that I have often thought about myself and have also been asked, "How can you tell that someone is depressed and/or contemplating bringing an unnatural end to their lives?"

The short answer is, it's hard. Very hard, but very possible if you play your cards right.

Firstly, work on seeing them as God sees them, and if you don't know who "they" may be, work to see everyone how God sees them. (I'd highly recommend that practice even when depression isn't an issue, anyway!) If you don't believe in God, try.  As you work to look at them through his eyes, your heart will be filled with compassion towards them and your heart will be opened to understand what needs those around you may have.

Secondly, watch for stress indicators in yourself and in those around you. As you get to know yourself and those you come into contact with, you will be able to more easily notice when stress levels rise. Now don't get on their case every time that they get stressed, but smile, share a joke with them. You don't even have to address the stressor most of the time, just let them know that you care. That will help take the edge off.

Thirdly, If you are "chosen" by someone to confide their feelings to, please don't make it awkward. Anything but that. Just politely listen (and actually listen) and give your input where asked, or seek permission before jumping headfirst into their problems. Remember that we oftentimes feel bad that we can't solve our problems by ourselves and will usually ask for your advice when we need it if you've made it this far already.
I will be forever grateful to those kind friends who let me ramble to them about my troubles and let me sort out my thoughts while they listened to me.

Now, to those of you who are suffering from the monster of depression, don't think that I've forgotten you, nor the title of this blog post. I am getting there! While there is much that others can do to help us and influence us, it is ultimately up to us as to our fate. Now some recent events and news coverage of said events may make it seem like it's no problem, or even that it's noble to throw in the towel and bring and end to your life.

Nothing, I repeat, Nothing could be further from the truth.


When all hope seems lost, there is hope, when all seems lost, you can be found. Oh, it will most definitely be a hard road, and that is a gross understatement, but having been down much of that road, and still moving along myself, I can tell you that every step, every climb, every stubbed toe along the way is well worth the peace and happiness that you will find along the way. Yes, it's rough and painful. I will give you that much, but let me share some of the tactics that I have learned along my travel down this lonely road with you,

First off, you are really never alone. Yes, I know that is terribly and awfully cliche, but that's the way it is.
Second, involve God in your life a little bit more. Pay attention to what goes through your mind as you listen.

You may say, "I Feel so out of place at church. Everyone there seems to have his/her life in order" or "I've already tried that. I still feel terrible. I still feel like a failure," and those would be very good points. I'd like to focus primarily on the second question, as that's the one that I had the most trouble with.

So, to continue my story- Obviously my plans of suicide did not go as planned as I am still here writing this terribly long blog post for you to sift through and perhaps find some value in. I had many friends and an angelic mother patiently working with me to make sure I didn't do anything stupid, but even if you don't have that, please don't take the cowardly way out. Consider me your warning voice, if nothing else. I went through many, many different "solutions" to my problem that honestly did not at first feel like they were doing anything at all, but I continued trying them, despite my doubts that I was ever able to feel better, and the "solutions" that I found to do me the best good ended up being the simple things that I had at first dismissed. Some of these include, but are not limited to,

• Going to bed at a reasonable hour
• Eating well. (yes, that means you should have payed attention during the nutrition section of your homec class in high school ;) ) 
• Finding at least one person to smile to every day, even if it kills you
• Reading the scriptures and praying every day. Sure you won't want to, and you may not feel it helps, but over time you will see the benefits. Depression is a thing that you cannot get through yourself. You need help, and who better to turn to than God?
• Looking for things that you did better today than you did yesterday.

I started applying those things on a daily basis nearly 2 years ago and now I can say that I have found happiness. Yes, I still have many issues that come with depression and that is my struggle. My life isn't perfect, but it is better and is constantly improving. An old proverb states that a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. That is true, and I would like to add, and that journey is composed of millions of single steps, to the end. Depression never has to lead to an end of life in misery and death, but in a beginning of life of happiness and hope. 

Decisions Determine Destiny

"We never fail when we try to do our duty, we always fail when we neglect to do it."
-Sir Robert Baden-Powell.

Duty. What does duty mean to you?

I love the scouting program, and there are many things that we can learn from what the boys are taught as they grow into men.
One of the very first phrases every scout learns is a rather profound statement -- "On my honor I will do my best. to do my duty, to God and my Country..."

[insert soapbox here]
On my Honor.
These young (12-18 year old) men are pledging their honor to the fulfilling of their duty. Duty to what?  God and their Country. What a powerful commitment that these young men are making! A commitment that I would venture to say that a lot of people are afraid to make, yet one that needs to be made, in my opinion, by more people. [/soapbox]




















Now you can't go far talking about duty without talking about the courage required to adequately do your duty. Anything worthwhile will be hard. From getting in shape to setting up a successful business, it all takes dedication, good planning, and courage.
I asked a few of my friends what courage meant to them, and these are some of the responses I have seen:

"Courage is the act of doing the right thing when it is more difficult to chose doing right than it is to chose to do nothing or to chose to do wrong."

"[Courage is] standing for what you think is right, or what you think must be done, when no one else will. Sometimes that means doing what God tells you, even when it seems like the worst possible solution to what you're facing/going through."

"Courage is breaking out of a comfort zone because you know it makes you stronger, and if you don't, the gravity of life WILL pull you down and keep you there. For life to be truly 'lived' there must be constant effort!"

"[name withheld] is how I would define courage. She's an amazing courageous woman that is kinda new to our church. She's going through so much in her life. Single mom, she's sick right now and not sure if she can work her job, she's been homeless, jobless, abused, abandoned and all the while she stands tall and continues to confess her love for Heavenly Father, his plan for her, and the Gospel.THAT'S COURAGE!!!"

"To me courage is to be strong to face any situation ."

"Courage is what changes our fears into faith, doubt into trust, discouragement to progress. It brings love into our lives. It helps us to conquer our troubles. The most important thing it can do for us is make us become the person we want to be."

One example of courage that I have seen, that is a little bit more close to home, is that of my Parents. To give some back story, imagine that it is a nice, beautiful, and snowy Christmas Eve and your Dad went out snowboarding with a friend earlier that morning. Then the phone call from the hospital comes saying that he had an accident, has been admitted to the hospital, and cannot feel his legs. Your Mother holds her peace exceptionally well, despite the reeling pain and sorrow destroying her bit by bit on the inside. Pain that would then move to you and the rest of the family challenging just about everything that you had come to know in your few (or many) years of life experience.

An award winning video that my little brother made about my Dad

Since that event that some may define as tragic, our family has seen many blessings. Some outright, but most in the form of trials. We've had our ups and downs, just like every other family. Some days were more rough than others, and many of the trials and tribulations that were made manifest then are still here. My Dad is still paralyzed, and I still have depression, but our capacities have been enlarged over the passage of time and the utilization of the Atoning sacrifice of Jesus Christ. But I believe that the journey was made much better by the courage displayed by my parents as they led our family through the unknown paths of life. They could have easily given in to the stress and let depression consume their lives. They could have turned their focus inwards rather than focusing on my brothers and I. They could have done those things, but they took up courage and did not. It definitely was not the easiest path for them, but it was the best path for us, and I am grateful.

Consider with me, if you will, some of the last writings of Moroni, son of Mormon and last author in the Book of Mormon, for a moment:

"Now I, Moroni, after having made an end of abridging the account of the people of 

Jared, I had supposed not to have written more, but I have not as yet perished; 

and I make not myself known to the Lamanites lest they should destroy me.

 For behold, their wars are exceedingly fierce among themselves; 

and because of their hatred they put to death every 

Nephite that will not deny the Christ...."

Now many of us will not have to face such physical opposition of death by martyr like he did, but we can still learn much from Moroni's courageous exclamation,

"And I, Moroni, will not deny the Christ;"

-Moroni 1:1-3 (Italics added)

Times get tough, and the things you stand for will be challenged. Those are two givens in life, but don't get discouraged! Don't get disheartened! Things will work out, and always remember:

"Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest." 

-Joshua 1:9

#BecauseofHim

“If our view is limited to mortal life, some things become unbearable because they seem so unfair and so permanent. “

–Boyd K. Packer



"Life isn't fair!"
Probably one of the most shouted, muttered, and used phrases of all time. a phrase whose meaning would, if we were on our own, prove to be the end of many of us. The great and simple truth is, however, that we are not on our own.

So what exactly does that mean? That surely does not mean that we constantly have some creep following us around everywhere we go, does it? Of course not! That means that someone has gone before. Someone knows exactly what you are going through. exactly how you feel. exactly who you are. That someone is our older brother, Jesus Christ.
It is unknown to us how exactly he has accomplished that feat, but we do know that he has done it for we can feel the "fruit," or the evidence of his sacrifice every time we kneel down to pour our hearts out to God, or every time we feel that our world is falling apart. In those times, and in times of relative tranquility, if we ask we shall receive.

First off, why don't we watch a short video together! (Don't worry, you'll be fine. It's not too long.)

It must have been hard. We know it was hard. Imagine yourself for a moment the loneliness and sorrow that you would feel if most of your friends have left you and the ones that remain cannot stay awake while you are going through the hardest time in your life. Imagine for a moment that your source of strength has seemingly abandoned you and you are about to be marched to your death for a few pieces of silver. All for someone that you have never met in this life. All so that they can be happy and live with you again.

This reminds me of a story I heard a while back:
A teacher of a Seminary class (a religion course for the youth of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints) of 25 students once asked a youth (we'll call him Billy) if he was able to do 250 pushups in a row and if so, if he would be able to do them in class the following week. The young man responded, "well of course!"
The next week the teacher came to class with a box of donuts. Enough for each student. He approached the student closest to him and asked, "would you like a donut?" The student, being the young sugar hungry teenager that he was responded, "yes please!" and reached for the box. The teacher pulled the box away and called the first boy over. "Billy, come do 10 pushups for Sam's donut." Billy did so, and this continued for the next few students. After several sets of pushups, Billy's face began to redden and drops of sweat fell to the floor. The box continued on, pushup after pushup, until Sally said that she didn't want a donut; not if Billy had to do more pushups for it. "Ok then," responded the teacher, "Ok then, Billy- do 10 pushups for the donut that Sally did not want."

This has been a favorite of mine that highlights the sacrifice, or atonement of Jesus Christ for us- the price has been paid, but will you "reach into the box" and do what Christ has asked us to do and take the "donut?" At this Easter time, I would urge you to consider what you can do to better utilize the gifts that you have been given. I will be doing the same.
What blessings have come into your life because of him? please share! I'd love to hear!

Like a Child

Let's be honest here- sometimes life gets a little rough. And that often times feels a whole lot more than just a little rough, or even a whole lot more frequent than sometimes. (at least it's that way for me most of the time. =D)

So, for those who know me probably know of my frequent struggles with depression. One of the more recent times it flared up taught me something rather interesting:
Upon leaving home to the beautiful state of North Carolina, I was filled with what we missionaries often refer to as "greenie fire," which often consists of a fire or zeal for missionary work that usually doesn't end up going anywhere because we have no clue what we are doing. (Or for those of you who are scouters and have been through woodbadge, greenie fire is akin to the "forming" stage of skill development. More on that later.) That fire soon faded and threatened to extinguish me a few months in when my excitement was replaced by Depression. Instead of a smile, I had a frown. Instead of happiness I felt despair.
This left me feeling very confused. How was I supposed to help teach the people I met about the happiness and peace that the gospel brings when I, myself was miserable? I knew that being on a mission was where the Lord wanted me, and every time I prayed to know if I should quit and go home I received a very clear and concise, "No, stay right where you are." If that was truly the case, my thoughts then went along the lines of, "shouldn't I be able to feel the support of my Father since I am doing his will to the best I can? Why then, don't I??" I knew that something had to change if I was to endure. That change was me. I had to change.

(Now here I will jump into a fairly long parenthetical. Stay with me: Often times, if you talk to missionaries about their missions, you will see the parallels they make between their missions and their lives here on earth. Missionaries call their first assigned area their birthplace, and their first companion (their trainer) their "Father" or "Mother," and when they finish their missions and go home, they "die." This blog post will be no different, I will apologize. (You have made it this far into the post, so why not just finish strong, anyway?) )

At that point I just described I was fairly new to missionary life, almost like a toddler trying to walk. The excitement of being "alive" had worn off, it wasn't anything like I had expected, and I was not happy about it.
How many times do we enter into something and are not happy when we find that it isn't all sunshine and flowers? I would venture to say quite a few. And that with good reason. Every time we run into something hard, we become bigger and better. Every mountain we climb gives us a better and more breathtaking view of the world around us.

One of my favorite poems reads,

"Yes, my fretting,

Frowning child,

I could cross

The room to you

More easily.

But I’ve already

Learned to walk,

So I make you

Come to me.

Let go now

There!

You see?

Oh, remember

This simple lesson,

Child,

And when

In later years

You cry out

With tight fists

And tears

“Oh, help me,

God—please.”

Just listen

And you’ll hear

A silent voice:

“I would, child,

I would.

But it’s you,

Not I,

Who needs to try

Godhood.”"

So, when you get down and times get rough, know that it is not God being angry with us. It is God loving us enough and trusting us enough to give us a task (that very well may take every ounce of effort you have, leaving nothing.) knowing that afterward you will be more and more ready to receive the ultimate gift he has waiting for all of us if we but follow his path- everything he has. 

Biking Through Life

If I were to ask you to think of a Mormon missionary, among your first thoughts would probably involve a bike of some sort. And you would be right -- we do a lot of biking out in the field, and thus we have a lot of time to think while biking up and down the numerous hills that cover the beautiful landscape. Usually it involves thinking about how many more miles we have to go, if the sun will ever let up, or what on earth was going through the head of that driver that just about drove us off the road, but occasionally we are able to give some good thought to matters of a little more weight.

One time, my companion and I were biking through the backstreets of Durham, NC. He was taking the lead up a particular hill, and I was behind. I realized that as I followed closer, the easier the biking became, and the farther back I fell, the more difficult it became for me to keep up the pace and the more tired I became.

That day, a connection to the gospel came to me as I was riding up that hill. I saw that my companion, who was taking the lead, could be a type of Christ and I could represent myself, or any one of us biking up our "road of life."

If, and when, we do fall behind life will most definitely become more and more difficult and dark the further and further we become from Christ, the author and finisher of our faith (Hebrews 12:2), all is not lost. You may feel alone. You will probably feel unhappy. I sure did when biking up some hills. The great thing is that we are never alone. That may sound like a very cliche statement, and it is used a lot. that is because it is true.

I am reminded of a talk called, "None Were With  Him," by Elder Jeffery R.  Holland of the Quorum of  the 12 Apostles. He does very well at describing  the  sacrifice of Jesus Christ- a sacrifice of much  more weight than a couple mile  bike ride up a windy  road.
 It is because of that  sacrifice that we can become  whole. It is because of that sacrifice that we can  endure to the finish line.
 How was this possible? why did he "go forth,  suffering pains and afflictions and  temptations of  every kind?"(Alma 7:11) That was something that  has always  been a struggle for me- What would  cause someone go up every path, up every  climb, and out of every pit that we place ourselves in just to help us? What  possibly could cause the only perfect person to live to go through so much pain  for me?

Quite simply it was because he loves us.


I'm still working on figuring out what entirely means, and I'm sure it's going to take all of us a lifetime to discover. But what is more fun than a problem to be solved or a question to be answered? Let's see how much we can help each other on this search for happiness!